From the other sideee. (SORRY I had to)
I know it’s been a long time since I last posted here. To the few who follow me, my apologies. I’ll trust that because I didn’t feel like I had time to write during the preparations for the holidays, you probably didn’t feel like you had time to read.
But now the fat man has come down the chimney, Adele has released a new album, and the Christmas cookies have all been devoured. And I’m back.
With all the hustle and bustle of the holidays I’ve been thinking a lot about time. How I spend it, how I waste it, how I stress about it. Time is funny. It can be slippery, or sticky. It can flit from one moment to the next, or dragggg on and on.
At some moments it seems like I have all the time in the world. At other it seems like time is going all too fast.
Time is a thing we measure, mark, count, and try to collect. We document and reminisce about time passed, and plan for time future, and wait for time to catch up to where we want it to be.
It’s this waiting that I’ve thought the most about in the past few weeks. I have found I struggle with waiting for time to catch up to my plans.
It seems that so many of the things I want to accomplish have an attachment to time that cannot be negotiated. I want to pay off my student loans. But I can’t pay off my student loans any faster than I get a paycheck. And a paycheck only comes twice a month. I want to lose that Senior 16 (the weight gain in college that no one tells you about). But all I can do is make a lifestyle change, and then wait. I am excited about my vacation. But the date of my departure isn’t getting here any faster.
So much of my time is spent waiting. Waiting to get paid, waiting to pay bills, waiting for the day to be over, waiting for the weekend, waiting for that trip, waiting for someone else to do their part, waiting to understand, waiting to visit family, waiting for business hours, waiting for the train, waiting for the bus, waiting for your favorite show, waiting for Adele’s CD, waiting for the next season of Grey’s anatomy, waiting to meet someone, waiting to grow up, waiting to lose weight, waiting to heal….
It seems so easy for life to become a big cycle of waiting and anticipation. This isn’t all bad. It’s good to have things to look forward to. It’s wonderful in fact. And having goals for the future is also fantastic. The waiting isn’t bad. Patience is a part of the process (blah blah blah)…
But for me, it’s in the quiet moments that waiting gets to me. Shouldn’t I be busy? I have so many things I want to accomplish. How could I possibly be bored? Why don’t I have more things to be doing? Maybe I’m just avoiding things that I should be doing? What should I be doing? Where is my life going? (Do you see how quickly this spirals out of control into my qualms about becoming an adult?)
Maybe it’s growing up as a millennial in the era of instant gratification, maybe it’s coming from a round-the-clock college schedule, maybe it’s just a fear of being lazy. But too often, I feel like time spent waiting is time wasted. I know that this “unallocated time”, me-time, time to “chill” is important. When I don’t have any, it’s all I want. But it doesn’t take long for me to start thinking about what I should be DOING with my time.